completely out of breath

I don't know/I don't want to know the exact number of days that I have left as a stay-at-home Mom. It's ending faster than I can keep up with. Because I tend to panic when things feel chaotic, it is no surprise to me that, before school starts, I want to have the house completely clean, every bit of laundry done and put away, a few days of meals planned (or even prepared and frozen), the girls' clothes (with matching hair accessories) laid out, etc. I need to do these things for the same reason I created a timeline (with actual times) of "things to do" for the day before and the day of Addison's 1st Birthday party...and for the same reason that I STILL have it hanging on my fridge. Reason: I can handle a WHOLE LOT when the little things in my life are taken care of. That list is still hanging on my fridge because it reminds me that I like being organized.

The downfall to me trying to do all of this: I'm spending so much of my last days running around the house, rather than staring at their adorable, sweet, and unknowing (that we are soon going to be apart for 8 hours each day) faces. Addison has a tendency to "get into things" when I am busy with tasks that do not involve her... like "flour" her nose... and cheeks..and shirt...and dog, or put lotion (aka - diaper cream) all over her legs. (I tell myself that this is normal almost-3-year-old behavior. Please let me believe it.) For doing such things, she gets some type of fitting punishment. Usually she resists...often she cries. The reason she does these things is because I'm busy. I'm busy because I'm preparing for next week. **the way I view the** the Moral of the story = Addison is getting punished because I am preparing to go back to work. Instead of playing with her while I still have her with me, I am occupied with other things that I would, otherwise, not be doing at that time, leaving her to "get into things." JAMIE = GUILT. ugh.

I should be able to do it all...and handle everything - to get my endless tasks done and to spend complete quality time with them. I feel like I wasted this whole week. I was doing so well with having to go back to work. Then this week happened. It happened faster than I could keep up with and I just kept losing time to just be with them. And I started to wonder if I wasted this precious year I was able to spend with them.

I know that these problems are actually blessings. Here goes:

Leaving my daughters to go to work... I have two perfect daughters.
I have to go to work... I have a job.
After 15 amazing months with them, I'm going back to work... I had 15 amazing months with them.
They are going to a phenomenal school instead of a stranger with no other children to play with... They are going to a phenomenal school....(that will teach them even more than I did!)

It just doesn't always feel that way. Especially when I look at them.

I pray that my actions this year have shown how I feel about the time I've had at home with them because I can't find the words to describe what it has been to me. done for me. meant to me.

Did I read them enough books?
Did we do enough projects?
Did we make enough recipes?
Did we play outside enough?
Did we use our imaginations enough?
Did I say "I love you" enough?
Was I a good example for them?
Was I the Mom I want to be?
Did I have enough patience?
Did I thank God enough?

I hope so.

There has been a long delay in posts, again. But this time was deliberate. I knew this post was coming. I was just avoiding.